No fairytales here

Now. As you all know already. I am in a sticky situation with my damned ex. Who doesn’t have an awkward ex situation? I shit you not. I landed myself in it this morning. So I had nightmares last night in which I’ve been murdered and what not. So I woke and couldn’t fall back to sleep at 6:30am. Who goes on a holiday to not relax?!

I figure I’d go on my beautiful HTC Flyer to go on a game’s website I use – or I chat on the chat rooms next to the games window anyway. And so I pop onto a game before I sign in, and figure I may as well sign in too… See some people chatting and figure I join in, not paying attention to the names of the people chatting. Big big big massive mistake. I cried for approx three or four hours straight.

Who is chatting? Yep, you guessed it. That dear darling ex of mine who I’ve never been over. Well he stopped talking so much (I scrolled back to notice this) And then after a bit states he is going because the person he is hung up on is in the room. Of course I have the ego to know he is definitely talking about me – plus see the previous post which confirms it even more. And so I state this and the fact I’m leaving.. and then comes the private messages. Of course my browser buggers up before I can screenshot most of it, but I have a few and will give a run down.

He states how much he still loves me but knows nothing can come of it and all that jazz assuming I hate him. Which I state otherwise, because you know what? I do still deeply love him, despite my outbursts of anger against the man who tore my heart into tiny pieces. But lets not dwell there!

I was completely honest about how I feel, and the fact lately I’ve been deciding I don’t want a partner. I just want children on my own. Although, he mentioned being there for me and the only help and whatever I need is sperm as men are infuriating beasts and I can’t deal with the emotional side at all.

He did all this bullshit about not moving on, he’ll never want another girl. Which is actually the most ridiculous thing to think. He’s only 22 for Christ sake. The usual spew of how sorry he as and how he’d change everything if he could happened – Last time we spoke willingly I was a spiteful heart breaking bitch..


This resulted in a small bet that he would indeed move on – after all it is a natural thing. And then he starts going all nutty wanting me to email him my thoughts of him. So you know what? I’m just gonna link him to this, although now it is public I suspect he’s seen it already. Naturally I asked him why he’d want that. It all seemed a bit weird. For a guy who cannot be near me, cannot reply to texts or whatever, to then be doing this whole talking business, and joking around and poking tongues out.. It was…normal like nothing ever happened.
Apparently my email will help him decide on something. Whatever that means. I went offline – we went camera shopping today, well pricing up. I’m buying the camera tomorrow. And we went out for lunch with Kieran (the best man who I have to dance with and he is shit scared of me won’t even talk to me), and did some running around for him.

I then have not long came back to read a message I got from him (Well, I’ve been trying to write this up for 45mins)


To SairaJayn: Ug, you know what. No. I’ll be blunt, I’ll cling and not move on because I want that big, and i’ve deluded myself into believing that maybe, somewhere down the line you might see that I know how to be who I should’ve been. So if you want to keep your win streak on bets up, I’d suggest backing down on this one.

I noticed you’d signed out when I tried to send this, so here you go – The reason why I know I can’t let go. I don’t believe my dellusions will ever come true, but that’s the reason you can’t win this bet.


Take that as you will. But I haven’t a clue what to think of it. I don’t really understand the parts I’ve kindly underlined especially for you beautiful people.  Now. I shall go through why I don’t one at a time.

  1. Get me with my number points maybe I should do a pro’s and con’s list too! I just think it is badly worded what the bloody hell does it mean, big what??
  2. I’ve heard this before. Many times. “I know now I should have done this.. that.. and the other…” So why don’t you friggin’ do it you stupid Englishman? You are not a caveman actually change your freakin’ mind set and ways! Knowing now doesn’t mean a lot when you supposedly knew Nov 10, Dec 25 09, Aug 08. etc. If you really knew you wouldn’t bleeding have all these times of having to say it!

…And breathe…

Thanks for reading this if you did. May I suggest therapy for doing this?


We aim to please

I’ve spent a long time single now and so naturally I dream of Prince Charming (ok ok Mr Christian Grey) coming in and whipping me into shape.
Why the bloody hell do I?

I’ve spend a week and a half with my friend and her fiance. And I do believe in my dreamy state I forget how damn annoyed men make me feel.
I’ve heard the arguements I forgot about, been told of things, witnessed what I forgot about men. God help me! I don’t think I could ever live with a man never mind be in one of those… What do you call them?… Ahh relationships, with a man.

Of course I do miss the intimacy, yes I admit I miss a good hard pounding. Did a female really just say that?! I would love very much to be bossed around by Mr Grey. Although it isn’t just from the book. I mean, I tried to force my ex to man up – even told him to man up as I wanted a real man who could take control.. I promise his face would just hilarious.

Update on hot Aussie hunt: I’ve seen total of  10 since 2nd july. However of the three I spoke two one is married and the other two were in a nightclub..

Have a heart this Christmas?

Come on ladies and gents. Want to see a proud aunt sky dive? Donate! Even if it is just a few pence! Help make this little boys dream to play football and run with his mummy come true!! Thank you! It will buy the equipment he needs such as the child’s motorised treadmill which alone is ALOT… Plus he needs a lot of other stuff… and then the private physiotherapist to increase the sessions per week which on NHS is once

Thank you for visiting my fundraising page.
This page is to help make my beautiful brave nephew, Finlay Lomax walk! He was born 13 weeks early and have several strokes causing cerebral palsy, it has affected him mentally and physically – three limbs were mainly affected. The right arm and right leg being the worst. He has very high muscle tone, this causes muscle spasms and causes him to be inable to walk – he can stand for a few seconds.
He had an operation called Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy on the 6th Dec ’11 in Frenchey hospital in Bristol. The operation was sucessful however he still needs the equipment to carry on with the intense physio that he needs to make him walk – aswell as pay for the extra sessions with a physio therapist as ideally he needs 4-5 sessions a week, but when he comes out from hospital he will only be able to have ONE. Please help us, help him walk!
I am prepared to overcome my fears of flying and heights and skydive to raise money for him, please donate, even if it is a penny!
Thank you for your support.


Shallow. It is a word often used derogatively, meaning;

“Lacking of depth; Superficial

I hear all the time “I care for his/her personality I don’t care what she/he looks like” but really now? If you’re being totally honest? You don’t care about their looks at all? After some thinking I realised something.

I do care; I care about how a person looks. Is it wrong to admit you have a different taste to say; your best friend? That although she finds a very skinny or very fat guy attractive, you find it repulsive? Could you honestly say you’d ignore your feelings of repulsion because they have a fantastic personality? If you can let me add in this, could you be physical with the person? I know I couldn’t I’d have to be somewhat attracted to a person before I got physical no matter how much I loved them but if not physical and just together enjoy the company – I’m not sure I could go my life without sex or intimacy of any sort due to physical dislike – I could for medical reasons but I think I, and a lot of people may end up straying due to lack of – this is often the cause of relationship failures; including marriage.

I know from my past how someone can ‘grow’ on you. I’ve had an ex who I never really found attractive at first but after awhile I grew to enjoy it but can someone be too far from the mark?