Suicide Prevention week 11th-15th Sept.

Welsh, English, German, Italian, Georgian, Finnish, Irish.

I want everyone to be aware it is Suicide Prevention Week this week, it started 11th Sept.

Did you know;

  • On average,there is one death from suicide every 85 minutes across the UK and Ireland.
  • In 2009 there were over 6,200 deaths by suicide across the UK and Republic of Ireland. Samaritans’ website has suicide figures which are updated annually
  • Every seventeen minutes, someone in the United States commits suicide. Each day approximately 86 Americans commit suicide, and 1,500 people attempt suicide.
  • The most recent Australian data (ABS, Causes of Death, 2009) reports deaths due to suicide at 2,132. That equates to 6 deaths by suicide a day, or one every four hours.

If you’re feeling suicidal, please, take a step back. Take a deep breathe and clear your head. You’re in a bad place right now, but it WILL pass. And there will always be someone, somehwhere who knows exactly how you’re feeling. You are not alone. Stay alive.

If you know someone who is down? Or you feel own? Speak up, let them know they’re not alone, or reach out and ask for some help. You will find things get better.

“A problem is temporary, suicide is forever.” – Unknown.

CONFESSION: I attempted to end my life several times from the age of 14-19. Various methods. I’ve been self healing myself since the last time. Whilst doing this I’ve met wonderful people who have taught me, no matter what the problem I have that causes me to feel so low, it is only temporary, suicide isn’t. Suicide lasts forever. If any of you are feeling low enough to consider it, speak up. People will listen. Stay Alive.

Today I’ve shared that confession with all my friends on facebook. Nobody knew. I also shared my fear, hope and dream. I got a few back. We all have them, perhaps you could share yours in the comments?

 

My fear: I’ll never find someone who will love me and stay with me when others move on. My hope: I’ll achieve the career I wish for. My dream: To live a long healthy life surrounded by those I love

F. I My fear– losing my children & husband.
My hope- to give Rohan a brilliant upbringing, hoping he’ll be proud of me oneday!
My dream- to live a long healthy, happy life as u do surrounded by those I love xxx

R. C My fear – Growing old alone. My Hope – Ellis to have the best life opportunities possible. My dream – to also live a long and healthy life with my loved ones and for Ellis to be happy. Hope this helps x
L J C My fear: failing my family. My hope: to make my daily proud. my dream: to live a long happy life with my family x

 

We all fear and want similar things; we’re not alone. Likewise, with whatever issue you may have. You’re not alone. I promise.

I wish to set you a few tasks; whether you read this on Suicide Prevention Week or at Christmas.. When you go to the shop next, let someone go in front of you. When you see someone who looks down; ask them “Are you okay, do you need help?”. Smile at someone in the street. Even the little things can help someone greatly. The smile and gratitude you’ll get in return will make it worthwhile for both you and the other person.

Remember; You’re not alone, speak up and stay alive.

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Permissive, Sarcasm and Senseless.

Hallelujah! He grew a brain. Since I was 12 or 13 I have said I will not stay in England for my life and until I was 15 I said I’d move to America but then I learnt how awful the way of life is compared to what could be. And searched and thought Australia. So you can imagine that visiting Australia has very much made this feeling stronger…

I was blunt about it. I told the dear ol’ ex my plans to eventually uproot and move both myself and our child to Australia for their better way of living – almost everything seems better than England. And I’m not saying it from holiday maker eyes. My best friend and her family (Who I visited) were in England for a long time before going there. I didn’t even have to argue it. It seems my ex developed a permissive personality. Almost straight away he gave me permission;

Him: Lol. At this rate you’ll end up moving there.
Me: Well, I want to.. But its not as simple as that.
Him: Sure it is. Pull a bloke in the navy and have him transfer lmao.
Me: Why the navy? Surely its easier just to find an aussie? But thats not what I ment anyway.
Him: The navy doesn’t require you to constantly visit the country.
Me: I meant with regards to Calvin.
Him: What’s complicated about it?
Me: Er, you?
Him: You think I’d try to stop you?
Me: Honestly, yes.
Him: Hrm. No, I wouldn’t. I’d be upset because I’d want to see Calvin, but if it’s what you want to do then I wouldn’t try and stop you, even if it meant convincing you to download skype so I could talk to him that way until I could make the money for you to visit your parents.

There is my permission and I am holding him to it.
Some people are clearly too dumb for the internet, would you not agree? Now, I use a website to chat on and play games in the evenings. Kongregate. I visited tonight. Oh what fun that was. A child, username ‘SingularSeven‘ came to read this blog and pass comments in private to another user, who proceeded to forward to pass them on to me. Such delightful things being;

[11:14 PM] trace401: [06:13 PM] SingularSeven: dayumn saira seems fuked up (reply) [06:14 PM] SingularSeven: im going to cyber with her (reply)   (reply)

[11:20 PM] trace401: [06:20 PM] SingularSeven: ok moving on wtf is up with this bitch Saira (reply) [06:20 PM] SingularSeven: i am doing all i can to try to sniff our jsut how much of a slut she is (reply)  (reply)

[11:54 PM] trace401: [06:53 PM] SingularSeven: god damnit (reply) [06:53 PM] SingularSeven: the **** is this bitches issue (reply)  (reply)

Ofcourse these very much made me wish to play along slightly. Now whilst Mr Seven was being very sympathetic and kind talking to me. Even asking about the sailor mentioned in previously in Homo-Couplus…  I even proceeded to tell him how the sailor (Who I now know as Andrew added me to facebook and has hounded me since about having sex and doing sexual things. Much to his dismay I keep ignoring him. The very silly fool SingularSeven the following conversation played out. And I have to quote it as I can’t believe the utter stupidity. Fair enough, I should clearly have used my /Sarcasm but I thought it was shouted loud and clear..

[11:20 PM] SingularSeven: is he emailing you or something?
[11:21 PM] SairaJayn: Messaging.
[11:21 PM] SingularSeven: on kongregate?
[11:22 PM] SairaJayn: Yes.. I linked my facebook and he messages me on kongregate.
[11:22 PM] SingularSeven: omg xD
[11:22 PM] SingularSeven: did you know you can mute him?
[11:23 PM] SingularSeven: just hit the mute user button
[11:23 PM] SairaJayn: Ohdear. I forget I need to add /Sarcasm. More often.
[11:24 PM] SairaJayn: Why would he be messaging me on KONGREGATE. When he is on FACEBOOK?

Kiddo did try to cyber with me, but got, as you they say on the internet butthurt when he realised I’m obviously not sluttish enough for him! And boy, did the kid go a bit loopy when he realised I was going to put him on my blog. So Smile kid!

I did it!

I hooked up with an Aussie guy… Not just any guy. My best friends friend… In her house (it was on night of wedding) with her dad not far away! Bugger.

We were chatting at the wedding, possibly for the first time properly? I was drinking – which I haven’t really done in maybe two years? They loved my speech!
Although very rude not shutting up whilst I was trying to announce things..

It was an amazing holiday. Honestly didn’t want to leave, I cried! I miss my baby but I’d rather him be shipped to aus.. but here I am sat in Dubai international airport waiting for my flight to London Gatwick. 😦

But I’ll get back to it. The guys sister asked if I was going to town – sure!  He was going too.. and the grooms step bro and we convinced his cousin.. for the first time and q different cousin, oh and my friends friend, but I needed my passport.

I asked the best man to take me to get it, but with us came him and the cousin.. we took almost an hour as we were pulled over. Holy shit. Aus police scare the living shit out of me. Anyways we went in to town. I was already pretty well on the way of drunk but managed a few more.

Shy little sair who won’t even talk to guys she doesn’t know usually did the following;

Groped both best friend… Was groped back.
Groped innocent little cousin.
Has two guys faces in my cleavage.
Took an Aussie home.

I remember, everything. The little kiss on my head waiting for the taxi. The kiss on my shoulder before going to sleep. We even cuddled after… I’ve never done that, it never appealed to me but I must say. I rather liked it!

But oh how things can change… The groom come home at 7:30am to pick me up for breakfast and gets the first shock.. I get the next one.. he doesn’t leave my bed until like half 11.. and stays all day. I felt so awkward.
But after thinking, there are things I don’t like and I didn’t think he would be my Aussie.. but I think I’d do it again. 😉

The poor cousin however got it in the neck all my last day, he is so scared of me so o had to link arms with him etc. Got a kiss (on his cheek) and cuddle before I left! But he actually put his arms around me!

Fremantle adventures

What an adventure.

We took a trip to Fremantle yesterday to see touristy things. We went to the shipwreck museum where I got my very pretty iron ore earrings. We went to the round house the yummy south beach cafe.
Extremely interesting were the places – although a tad scary in the rough and ferrel sense – honestly it was like being in a village ghetto.

By now I’m sick of not finding hot Aussie men, I give up. Only a few days left.

We went to the 9pm torchlight tour of Fremantle Prison. Wowee. That prison is big and beautiful. I got myself a jumper from there too! We went through it, slightly creeped out giggling away when we got to the yard that has a flogging post. The guide wanted two people madly inlove. So of course I volunteer my friend and her fiance. Wouldn’t you? I now own a video of them using a cat-o-nine tails on each other and they bloody loved it – all smiles!

We continued on the tour with my friend cursing me whilst I giggle away. Until we get to near the end. Learning the story of inmate John West. He was silly.

I was on the rounds right when I got myself a gun and told them, ‘dont stop me or I’ll shoot’ they threw their forks and plates at me so I ducked and shot out but I closed my eyes and actually hit them. Now I tried running. But I found myself on the roof of the kitchen – surrounded. They told me to throw the gun down but I really needed a smoke so I told ’em ‘throw up my smokes and I’ll throw down my gun” so they did.. I was then taken back to my cell.

I only remember this story as myself and Courtney started chatting and safely aware he had gone down a ladder. I stated how he was very hot and we discussed how yet again I lost one of the few sexy Aussies I’ve seen.. to turn around and guess who is behind us? That’s right folks, John West.

To busselton today!

No fairytales here

Now. As you all know already. I am in a sticky situation with my damned ex. Who doesn’t have an awkward ex situation? I shit you not. I landed myself in it this morning. So I had nightmares last night in which I’ve been murdered and what not. So I woke and couldn’t fall back to sleep at 6:30am. Who goes on a holiday to not relax?!

I figure I’d go on my beautiful HTC Flyer to go on a game’s website I use – or I chat on the chat rooms next to the games window anyway. And so I pop onto a game before I sign in, and figure I may as well sign in too… See some people chatting and figure I join in, not paying attention to the names of the people chatting. Big big big massive mistake. I cried for approx three or four hours straight.

Who is chatting? Yep, you guessed it. That dear darling ex of mine who I’ve never been over. Well he stopped talking so much (I scrolled back to notice this) And then after a bit states he is going because the person he is hung up on is in the room. Of course I have the ego to know he is definitely talking about me – plus see the previous post which confirms it even more. And so I state this and the fact I’m leaving.. and then comes the private messages. Of course my browser buggers up before I can screenshot most of it, but I have a few and will give a run down.

He states how much he still loves me but knows nothing can come of it and all that jazz assuming I hate him. Which I state otherwise, because you know what? I do still deeply love him, despite my outbursts of anger against the man who tore my heart into tiny pieces. But lets not dwell there!

I was completely honest about how I feel, and the fact lately I’ve been deciding I don’t want a partner. I just want children on my own. Although, he mentioned being there for me and the only help and whatever I need is sperm as men are infuriating beasts and I can’t deal with the emotional side at all.

He did all this bullshit about not moving on, he’ll never want another girl. Which is actually the most ridiculous thing to think. He’s only 22 for Christ sake. The usual spew of how sorry he as and how he’d change everything if he could happened – Last time we spoke willingly I was a spiteful heart breaking bitch..

Anywho

This resulted in a small bet that he would indeed move on – after all it is a natural thing. And then he starts going all nutty wanting me to email him my thoughts of him. So you know what? I’m just gonna link him to this, although now it is public I suspect he’s seen it already. Naturally I asked him why he’d want that. It all seemed a bit weird. For a guy who cannot be near me, cannot reply to texts or whatever, to then be doing this whole talking business, and joking around and poking tongues out.. It was…normal like nothing ever happened.
Apparently my email will help him decide on something. Whatever that means. I went offline – we went camera shopping today, well pricing up. I’m buying the camera tomorrow. And we went out for lunch with Kieran (the best man who I have to dance with and he is shit scared of me won’t even talk to me), and did some running around for him.

I then have not long came back to read a message I got from him (Well, I’ve been trying to write this up for 45mins)

 

To SairaJayn: Ug, you know what. No. I’ll be blunt, I’ll cling and not move on because I want that big, and i’ve deluded myself into believing that maybe, somewhere down the line you might see that I know how to be who I should’ve been. So if you want to keep your win streak on bets up, I’d suggest backing down on this one.

I noticed you’d signed out when I tried to send this, so here you go – The reason why I know I can’t let go. I don’t believe my dellusions will ever come true, but that’s the reason you can’t win this bet.

 

Take that as you will. But I haven’t a clue what to think of it. I don’t really understand the parts I’ve kindly underlined especially for you beautiful people.  Now. I shall go through why I don’t one at a time.

  1. Get me with my number points maybe I should do a pro’s and con’s list too! I just think it is badly worded what the bloody hell does it mean, big what??
  2. I’ve heard this before. Many times. “I know now I should have done this.. that.. and the other…” So why don’t you friggin’ do it you stupid Englishman? You are not a caveman actually change your freakin’ mind set and ways! Knowing now doesn’t mean a lot when you supposedly knew Nov 10, Dec 25 09, Aug 08. etc. If you really knew you wouldn’t bleeding have all these times of having to say it!

…And breathe…

Thanks for reading this if you did. May I suggest therapy for doing this?

Bridezilla

Well she did good! My dear friend who no matter what, I can’t seem to shake or annoy for long periods. We don’t even grow apart – I’ve known her for 7 years and for a lot of them she lived in Australia. Which means I see her every few years. Yet it is like we never parted when we see eachother!

Anyway she made it until 15 days before the big day to turn bridezilla.. her poor chap and bro inlaw even mum. Though I understand the reasons behind it all too. On Friday I spent a very wet evening doing hen party prep and the little things for the wedding.

Did I mention it rained? Freezing rain. Which reminds me. Where are all the hot Aussies?! I’m rather unimpressed. I think they flew the coop for winter.

Thankfully it is better now. The Hen party was last night and my was it worth all the prep me, another bridesmaid and brides mum went through. It was brilliant seeing everyone join in including the older ladies! We then went downtown. Well of what this place has.. shockingly empty and lacking. But I had a great time! Being hit on by an English guy though.. Seriously? I come to almost outback (feels it) Australia 2 hours away from Perth and meet guys from Guildford!

Conclusion: hot Aussies are on tv so are fake or in England. 😦

Goodnight Australia!

Okay so I’m in Australia right now and wow. It is awesome.
I’m in bunbury, WA. It is quite countrified though a bit too quiet for me. It reminds me of Florida and England overdosing on greens then hooking up to produce this bait spacious beautiful place which is still busy and compact (in town). Will trees and bushes everywhere!

I’m here for my best friends wedding – I’m her MOH. Pretty damn amazing considering I flew from freaking England and spent 10 hours in the expensive and boring Dubai airport.
Her house is amazing and huge but its weird they prefer bungalows here (see what I mean America villas) the size of it though sickens me. At 30 most people wouldn’t afford a home like this never mind a 21 year old and she was 20 when got it.

Her friends are cool, met a few. Had dinner at one of their houses – I’m not keen on Aussie meals Tbh. And ohmy. Her little bro who was like 13 when I last saw him is almost 19. I can’t believe it, he is giant. And her little little bro is 14 now, I remember them skyping him when he was 7.

I saw a roadkill kangaroo on way to her home from the airport and shit me not a tiny rabbit. Finally saw a live one tonight. The damage the cyclone here did the other week is shocking though – thank God it wasn’t with me here

Hen do on Saturday I can’t wait.

I’m alive!

Well hello fellow bloggers!

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas!

It has been a busy few months; booking a holiday, court, dream night, learning to drive and internet dating. All of which over the next few days I’ll write about.

In February this year I got a letter from a solicitor stating I am being taken to court in 4 weeks. I decided to represent myself rather than pay for a solicitor myself knowing I can do it myself unlike my silly ex who lied to the solicitor, judge (on application to court) and the caffcass officer who is there for child support in cases where there may be risk. Inwhich he stated there was no risk and I stopped him; which I, with my evidence shown both his solicitor and caffcass very clearly the image of a gun (which after 3 hours was learnt to be bb) to his head whilst I was pregnant (which got the harrassment order), the letter admitting pre-pregnancy (which I was on the pill when conceived) although I made clear it finally stopped on a main road whilst I was pushing our four month old son – he punched my ribs and I backhanded him whilst trying to push him away before running to safety of mum) and the proof I never stopped him.
All this resulted in the 10-7 one day a week he demanded, supervised by my mum, that I offered in the July when he stopped seeing our son (to later say I banned him) because I started my claim for a measly 5 quid a week.

Moving on.

My trip abroad is finally nearly here. In under two weeks I shall be in Bunbury, WA for three blissful weeks. Leaving my role as mother and picking up role of Maid Of Honour, during of this time I entrust full parental responsibility to my mum for my 2st 6lbs 29month old bundle of terror… Sorry, Joy.