Man it has been a long time since I’ve used a blog, or a diary. I have been somewhat happy. Coping with night terrors I have. But I’ve been okay.
I am absolutely gutted. Over the last couple of months I’ve had what feels like a knife put in me and twisted.
I messed up. Boy did I mess up. I made a new friend last year, it wasn’t for awhile, I found out he was 6 years younger than me – but we were friends by then. It was incredible. He was like a little brother to me, we told each other everything. In the summer though things got intense.. more.. less siblingly. I’ll call that mistake number two – I was the older one right? I should have known better. But I adored him. He was an amazing guy, and I often forgot the age gap.
In November it all went wrong. Well. It was expected I guess. He grew tired of me, bored. Stopped talking to me. Stopped wanting to know me – yet when I asked for answers, as I am a person who needs answers and closure. He denied it. We’ve argued since then and in the end I gave up. But what happens then? He comes to me with his problems asking for help / advice/ support. Like a fool. I let him use me like a sponge. I haven’t heard from him since. I am shriveled and worn.
I feel like a fool, how could I do this? It’s madness.
How can it be possible to feel so distraught over a friendship? I didn’t even feel this hurt and bad when I broke up from a long term relationship.