“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”

^ Bob Marley.

Anyway to begin. I was happily playing a game filling my boredom until my friends on the otherside of the world woke up. When I got a message from my ex asking about things his best friend (whom was my high school crush too) until last year has ever said about him. And if I was sure I never cheated.. Then he goes on to spurt the following;

Ok, that’s all I needed to know to be truthful in the epiphany I had. I realised that you’re right, in a sense. I think I care about you because you are Calvin’s mother, and those are the messed up emotions I have with regards to you. I think, it’s also true that our relationship shouldn’t have started up again, I should have been there for Calvin and not tried getting on that boat again. Which also made me realise that you’re right on another number – I can’t tie myself down just because of this, it’s a self destructive spiral if I do, as such, while I won’t go “looking to move on”, if it comes to me, you might actually win our little bet we had going on. Now, hopefully you don’t take offense to that cause I meant it in a very positive way. Let me know if you want me to explain any of that.

To which I asked why the hell I’d be offended, because after all, pretty random since we

While the only occaision I’ve been unfaithful was a drunken kiss with Mel when we first starting “dating”, I don’t think I’ve been “in love” with you since we stopped spending night’s out on your trampoline staring at the sky. I think I was addicted to feeling that someone actually loved me, and that’s why it went on so long.

Still not understanding what the hell I was supposed to be offended over.  I gave the truth

Although, I guess I should probably admit myself, I realised when I was pregnant. I dont think I ever loved you.

Now, thinking of it I’m quite pissed off. Apparently I don’t need to know why he spouted this crap. I personally believe he was attempting to hurt me, but when I said well, I actually don’t love you, never have really, it failed. He did of course deny it but wouldn’t continue on to why he said it then.

My friend raised a fine point (Bridezilla from previous posts)  He put me through all the crap – the physical and emotional abuse and all the other crap accusing me of cheating, actually cheating on me, putting people before me and treating me like shit on the bottom of his shoe yet treating a girl who pretended to be dead for years to be a goddess- for what? The selfish thing of enjoying feeling ‘loved’ ?

I’m disgusted in him. Not hurt or offended. Plain ol’ pissed off as my friend hit the nail on the head, what kind of selfish fuck does that? I atleast *thought* I loved him. And ended it (despite his trying for otherwise)  when I realised.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s