…Things to ponder on…

I have never entirely got over my ex. But I very rarely admit it – who would want to after what he put me through? Instead, I push everything I feel to anger towards him. All the abuse I’ve received from him…

Yesterday was review day at court. Everything went well for me; I shortened the hours by three to give me a rough idea when to come home since he never does a full day. And brought  up again how Paul doesn’t know how to do his personal care.

Which was quite funny too, I met the health visitor my son had when he was a few months old – she was a student and ended up moving away. Well she was in the court waiting room with I assume her chap (who was friggin’ hot, Christian Grey anybody?). So we had a good catch up – she’s coming back to Plymouth!

Anyway back to the subject

I was polite; I did smile the whole time nicely – even when I spoke to Judge Moon, his solicitor and when I was near him. I got nothing but an awful scowl (okay I know, he had a scowl on his face 24/7 but this was worse. Honest!) back. So whatever…

Today Paul saw our son for this week and among the details of what happened, mum said she brought up the dirty looks he gave me and he apparently cannot bare to look at me, but not due to ill-feeling. Yet, he didn’t indulge further.

Someone has an odd way of showing care…


Book Club.

I hope to achieve 100 books read in 2012. I think I am doing a pretty good job of it so far. Since 1st Jan 2012 I have read the following – in no particular order.

  1. The Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins
  2. The Hunger Games – Catching Fire – Suzanne Collins
  3. The Hunger Games – Mockingjay – Suzanne Collins
  4. Fifty Shades of Grey – E.L. James.
  5. Fifty Shades Darker – E.L. James.
  6. Fifty Shades Freed – E.L. James.
  7. Trouble with Spells – Lacey Weatherford
  8. The Demon Kiss – Lacey Weatherford
  9. The Posession of Souls – Lacey Weatherford
  10. The Dark Rising – Lacey Weatherford
  11. Blood of the Witch – Lacey Weatherford
  12. Bound by the Vampire – Chloe Hart
  13. Morganville Vampires 1 – Rachel Caine
  14. Morganville Vampires 2 – Rachel Caine
  15. Morganville Vampires 3 – Rachel Caine
  16. Morganville Vampires 4 – Rachel Caine
  17. Morganville Vampires 5 – Rachel Caine
  18. Morganville Vampires 6 – Rachel Caine
  19. Morganville Vampires 7 – Rachel Caine
  20. Morganville Vampires 10 – Rachel Caine
  21. Morganville Vampires 11 – Rachel Caine
  22. Morganville Vampires 12 – Rachel Caine
  23. The Vampire Journals 1 – Morgan Rice
  24. The Vampire Journals 2 – Morgan Rice
  25. The Vampire Journals 3 – Morgan Rice
  26. The Vampire Journals 4 – Morgan Rice
  27. Her Vampire Husband – Michele Hauf
  28. Love… from both sides – Nick Spalding
  29. Darren Shan Saga 1 – Darren Shan
  30. Darren Shan Saga 2 – Darren Shan
  31. Darren Shan Saga 3 – Darren Shan
  32. Darren Shan Saga 4 – Darren Shan
  33. Darren Shan Saga 5 – Darren Shan
  34. Darren Shan Saga 6 – Darren Shan
  35. Darren Shan Saga 7 – Darren Shan
  36. Darren Shan Saga 8 – Darren Shan
  37. Darren Shan Saga 9 – Darren Shan
  38. Darren Shan Saga 10 – Darren Shan
  39. Darren Shan Saga 11 – Darren Shan
  40. Darren Shan Saga 12 – Darren Shan
  41. Taming the Vampire – Chloe Hart
  42. My sisters keeper – Jodi Picoult
  43. The other side of Truth- Beverly Naidoo
  44. Will you still love me – Claudia Carroll
  45. Thirst (Ava Delaney 1) – Claire Farrell
  46. Taunt (Ava Delaney 2) – Clair Farrell

Where are my compliments

For the last several weeks actually, my family have drove me to tears many many times. Why? The Ex. Or more to the point. Defending the ex.

Now if you look at  I’m Alive you’ll see that my abusive ex took me to court for access to my son (despite my not stopping him even though he never bothered with my son and even threw a hissy fit when I want to CSA to get him to pay a measly £5 a week). The same ex who hit me before I was pregnant and wrote a letter to my parents to admit it. Who was harrasssing me on email, phone and in chatrooms resulting in him getting a harrassment order.. Who lied  about my ‘stopping’ him seeing his son (which I have proof otherwise) all because I told him I was sick of him wanting me not our son. He went on to no contact from July 7th until April 4th when court told him the dates he demanded from me were permitted (10am until 7pm once a week – he’s never seen him past 3pm, its usually 2pm though).

Great for him he is bothering finally but when you are abusive and try lying about it all then don’t bother expecting me to be more pleased. I’m gutted my family are all over him for what he as a parent should have done from day one and he isn’t fully doing it now. All excusing him for there being “not much to do” but this means he should plan better rather than only going to the park or to the indoor play area, there are many things to do in this city! I told him I’d go out if he wanted to use the house – I didnt even get a reply. He still doesn’t know how to do nappies and creams for eczema despite it being on the court order and our son being 29 months.

My family are just up his arse now. Seems to forget he could have made me go into prem labour (like my sister went into prem labour 13 weeks early and now has a disabled son because she was stressed) with the severe stress he caused when I was pregnant.. or the fact he even admitted knocking me about, mum even had to save me one of the times.

Now please someone explain to me why it is so wrong that I am miffed that my family are all over him for being a brilliant dad allowing my nieces or nephew to be there during the time “to give X company”, or the fact he bothers with X. Took him long enough to do is fatherly duties right, well he isn’t even fully doign them now.

I wonder what sort of monster I’d be made out to be if I just upped and buggered off for awhile, or even stayed but didnt change nappies, done meals, baths or bedtimes etc. After all, its what mothers do right? I have never been complimented for doing my motherly duties.

Have you ever experienced this? What did you do?

Driving and dream night

I started driving again in May. It’s going pretty awesomely, I retook my theory test because it expired but passed that nicely.

I have my 9th and 10th hours tomorrow, I’m picking it back up nicely – after 2.5 years.

On Friday 15th June 6pm until 10pm it was ‘Dream Night‘ which is a night for disabled and terminally sick children to have a wonderful evening at zoos and aquariums across the world.

My nephew is disabled and so he and my sister approx a month ago got an invite (who invited myself, mum and my son) to this Dream Night at our local zoo, Dartmoor National Parkyes the very same that starred in We Bought a zoo owned by Benjamin Mee.

It was fantastic. We went around the zoo seeing all the animals – it isn’t that big as if you’ve seen the movie or read the book he couldnt entirely afford the zoo but was saving the animals. Then we spent a good 20mins talking to the firemen (both children are inlove with firemen like boys typically are). Then it was party time at the disco; they had a balloon maker, food, dj, story telling.

It was in the disco that we met the famous Benjamin Mee. Who also autographed a copy of “We Bought a Zoo” for myself and mother. He is a remarkable man. Very friendly too and doesnt know how to take a compliment. I told him -among other things- that he was simply amazing for what he has done. He replied “It isn’t just me who made this work, my team are exceptional” I almost replied “But you’re the one who bought it and saved it” but I didn’t – he is right, his team are simply amazing too. And as soon as I can drive I plan to become part of it, its only a 15 min drive from my house. When I said how I loved how natural the surroundings were, both inside and outside the enclosure he told me how to put tarmac pavements around the zoo it would cost £90,000, so he refused leaving it natural which I have to applaud him for – it made it stand out from the average zoo.


Homo-couplus and homo-singlus.

Read Love…from both sides by Nick Spalding to understand the title; simply awesome author.

As you may know by now, I am a single mother. Yes! I said it. How awful am I?! Such a sinner. Young, single mum and want more. To be fair on my part. I didn’t plan on having the spawn until I was 28, much less before I was 20 but if you believe in God it was a miracle and Gods’ plan, if you are into the science way. That shitty pill called “Yasmin” buggered up despite taking it perfectly and failed to work – making the crap that science throws up on us.

Oddly enough, I’ve been single for the most part of two years (roughly when I found out I was pregnant and had “GET RID OF IT OR I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR IT” screamed a me) and the only part I miss is the sex. Bugger the annoyingness of men – too much hassle.

But nevertheless after talking with a friend I decided to try out POF

The leading Free Online Dating Site for Singles & Personals

After all, for a bit of fun a few years ago I wanted a man in uniform. It appears the uniformed dating site is rather bleedin’ expensive. £30 a month!


My experience consisted of :

Male. Eighteen (almost three years younger). Moving to Aus in the winter. Lives an hour away – neither of us can drive.

A few forgettables that I cant even remember.

A big scary ginger who quite frankly scared the living crap out of me.. I didnt reply.

Male. Twentysomething. Sailor. Big manhood. Wants to see me in my nurse outfit. Offered to buy me expensive sexy undies.

Male. Fiftysomething. Well off. Wanted to ‘spoil’ me. Wanting to pay me to see my body (and no doubt lead on to touching it). On only the 2nd conversation was I asked if I had paypal and what it was, when I asked why I was offered £50 for 30 minutes seeing my boobs.

I think it is fair to say, I signed out and never signed back in.


I’m alive!

Well hello fellow bloggers!

I hope you all had a fabulous Christmas!

It has been a busy few months; booking a holiday, court, dream night, learning to drive and internet dating. All of which over the next few days I’ll write about.

In February this year I got a letter from a solicitor stating I am being taken to court in 4 weeks. I decided to represent myself rather than pay for a solicitor myself knowing I can do it myself unlike my silly ex who lied to the solicitor, judge (on application to court) and the caffcass officer who is there for child support in cases where there may be risk. Inwhich he stated there was no risk and I stopped him; which I, with my evidence shown both his solicitor and caffcass very clearly the image of a gun (which after 3 hours was learnt to be bb) to his head whilst I was pregnant (which got the harrassment order), the letter admitting pre-pregnancy (which I was on the pill when conceived) although I made clear it finally stopped on a main road whilst I was pushing our four month old son – he punched my ribs and I backhanded him whilst trying to push him away before running to safety of mum) and the proof I never stopped him.
All this resulted in the 10-7 one day a week he demanded, supervised by my mum, that I offered in the July when he stopped seeing our son (to later say I banned him) because I started my claim for a measly 5 quid a week.

Moving on.

My trip abroad is finally nearly here. In under two weeks I shall be in Bunbury, WA for three blissful weeks. Leaving my role as mother and picking up role of Maid Of Honour, during of this time I entrust full parental responsibility to my mum for my 2st 6lbs 29month old bundle of terror… Sorry, Joy.